Earsdropping: on a break(ing point)

With the academic year coming to a close, the dreaded — yet alluring — limbo lurks. I’ve always joked that if I taught summer school, I wouldn’t come back in the fall (move over, I need a vacation from my vacation people).

I feel the years of patterns perpetuating as I cyclically cut my hair and shave my beard down to a mustache to free myself from looking like a carefree substitute teacher — who is anything but care-free.

With my daunting demand diminished, I ebb into a part-time rhythm of advising and tutoring, giving myself space for my hoard of hobbies and cache of creative pursuits. Yet, when I cut away at my cluttered calendar, much like when I hack my hair, I am left with an identity crisis — should I get bangs? It’s not for a lack of brainstormed projects, but rather a lack of being beholden to anyone or anything. Much like that Twilight Zone episode, I finally have all the time in the world but my metaphorical motivational spectacles are squashed by my own censorship. I dart like a deer in every direction, not sure which pursuit will pan out perfectly. I overthink and underproduce (except right now, I’m producing but you best believe I am still overthinking). Searching for serious structure leaves me spent and aimless.

And there it is. The creativity of structure. That feels so oxymoronic to utter: how could structure — the act of creating robust rigidity hold its own as an artistic outlet? I suppose, organization has its own identity of interest — the art of putting everything in place. Marie Kondo — and many who came before — found celebrity status in this kind of satisfaction.

So, how do I opt into my own art in this fixed form? With my woodworking dresser remodel project, will I concoct a cohesive plan of construction? Or, for my burrito pop-up fantasy, will I excel with Excel as I, with the help of a column-and-row king (shout out to Kevin), document all of my ingredients, prices, and quantities? Maybe I can begin with amusing myself, as I write these musings to you methodically each week.

Photo by Daniel Jensen on Unsplash