Earsdropping: on dogs in sweaters
Dogs in sweaters, snakes in scarves, gophers in their finest garb. Gators in gaiters, cats in wooly hats, and bunnies embracing Canadian bunny hugs. This time of year even our furry friends find themselves fitted in the warmest of outer layers. I think this, tongue-in-cheek, at the park as I witness a husky, fleeced of full mobility, forced to put a sweater on top of their already-double coat of fur. Another dog, also be-sweatered, is scolded for running straight for the chilly mud puddle just to make a splash. Like toddlers, these proper pups are purported to need extra protection in the chilly evening air, only to shirk and shake it away by any means necessary. For these hounds heaped with hair, they probably wonder why they must fetter in sweater weather.
Furry animals with clothes are a redundancy, but what motivates us to pile on the parkas (more like barka, am I right dogs? Woof…)? The animal clothing debate has worn on for quite some time. Just ten years ago, the Internet was in such sweltering disagreement about how dogs would wear pants that even Time magazine had to weigh in. As we war about their wardrobe, I wonder what would animals choose if they had a say? Would they consent to being accosted by costumes that make them look like the cutest wittle bumble bee? Would they themselves choose to wear wool or would it lead to an identity crisis from being in sheep’s clothing? There are some animals who have chosen to dress themselves up, so let’s take a moment to fashion some light-hearted critiques and decide whether to dress them up or dress them down for their daily outfits.
Winnie the Pooh
This partially bare bear, donning a red t-shirt, had no time for an encumbered lower half. Not even the cold called for a complete layer. Winnie decided a scarf was plenty. Maybe next time he goes sledding, instead of doubling up the top half, he could use one of his many red t-shirts to keep the icicles off his bum.
Donald Duck
This cacophonous quacker could often be seen in a sailor suit, though he must have fallen overboard because his seamen’s trousers were nowhere to be seen. With a record of service in the U.S. Army and a questionable stint in the Navy, is this duck reliving the glory days of youth or on a covert mission to find out what happened to his pants?
Mickey Mouse
The gloves are on when assessing this fit. With a shirtless ensemble of shorts, gloves, and shoes, it’s unclear whether this Steamboat Willie would get a little chilly on the high seas. I’d recommend a nice fisherman’s sweater to keep his teeth chatter low and his iconic squeaky voice high.
Bugs Bunny
This bunny is a little funny. Normally au naturel, Bugs only chooses to play dress up when trying to mess with a foe. This all-nonsense cosplay is at its peak when the stakes are high as he dodges Elmer Fudd’s shotgun slugs.
Porky Pig
A pantsless pig with quite the temper, Porky is well known for minimalist formal wear, wearing one vestige of a suit and bow tie. Some might call him a trailblazer, for wearing only a suit separate, but who wore it best, Porky or Sue Ellen Mischke in Seinfeld?
Chip ’n’ Dale
Now you might assume that these two siblings’ bottomless origins were akin to their iconic stage namesakes, but in reality it comes down to practicality. These trouserless globetrotters have had one too many snags in their jungle adventures and pants would just slow them down.
Yogi Bear and Boo-Boo
These peckish picnickers don’t let an outdoor setting change their fervor for formality. Always a cocktail affair, it doesn’t matter if they’re wearing nothing else, as long as they’re dressed in the finest from the neck up.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
TMNT are sewer heroes who can’t be bothered to get clothes all mucked up when fighting crime or during pizza time. In order to protect their identity, they wrap bandanas over their eyes (color-coded for each character). Now no one will know which mild-mannered mutant turtle they really are!
Whatever the rationales, if we feel so inclined to put these animals in clothes, let’s ask them what look puts their best paw forward. If they are going out for a night on the town, maybe a tux with tails. If they’re a good boy, they could pop their collar. If they are going for an interview, maybe a nice tweed sports coat. But, if they are having a nice relaxing night at home, maybe sweats will do.
